Ouch!

Stop. I need you to put down the pencil and listen to me for a second. I need you to pause your breath and tune to my frequency, because I’m throwing my heart on the airwaves and I need you to be alive to hear it. I need you to follow my words even when they’re stumbling, tripping, falling on their face. This is just going to take a second. I promise. I think you should know that when I woke up today I was tangled in morning breath and your whispers. I think you should know that I’m dreaming with swollen lips and bleeding cheeks because I keep biting down to stop myself from saying what’s on my mind. I think you should know my mouth is betraying me and when I brush it off, what I mean is, please, for the love of everything, know that I am terrified. And, I think you should know, despite the fact that I am trembling with needs, I don’t want it. I don’t want to count down the seconds and drag out my day. I don’t want to have to constantly dislodge my heart from the back of my throat when you don’t even know that you jammed it there. I don’t want to write instructions on how to breathe on my walls because suddenly I’m constantly needing a reminder. I don’t want this. Because it blindsided me, it plucked me off my track and threw me into another orbit. I was happy with where I was going and suddenly I’m holding my head between my hands with my tongue getting stuck in the why’s. I’m beating my dashboard because I didn't ask for this. I'm incoherent and confused and blindfolded and lost in the middle of the city. You should know I could pick better. If I wanted to trip like this, I’d find someone safe. I'd find someone with arms around my waist who would make sure I didn’t slam my jaw on the concrete. not this. I wouldn’t choose to fall without a net. I wouldn’t choose to choke up my heart and spit it out at your feet. But I didn’t choose, my tires slipped on the black ice and I’m careening out of control. I don’t have a choice, I’m pretending to clutch the wheel but no one knows better than me that I’m going to crash into the center divider. I guess what I’m saying is: I need you. I guess what you need to know is: it makes me mad as. Corina90 @ deviantart